back to blogging?

today was….. just another shit day for me. i know its always same shit different day. but i guess i just couldnt take it anymore,thus this blogpost.

truth…. im feeling like i’ve lost myself. lost myself to the expectations i have for myself, the expectations from my job and everyone else. i can hardly make decisions by myself anymore, i cannot trust myself 100% to make decisions and even though i am sure im right (or almost sure), theres always a part of me doubting myself. whichever decision i make, i will always wonder. its so tiring…. really hate myself now because of this. i was never such a person. always used to just do what i think was right, and never looked back. but now.. i cant seem to be like that anymore.

sometimes…. im really afraid i might have a heart attack because of work.. that feeling when my heart is pumping so hard and fast but i cant seem to slow it down… it really makes me scared.

the fine line

I finally can appreciate the beauty of staying at home on weekends and just simply enjoying time with loved ones. The everyday mad rush on weekdays almost leaves me with no time to catch my breath.. I dislike this whole busy routine. How ironic. When i was jobless and bumming, i got sick of it.. Now that im busy with work, I miss my old life SOOOOO fucking bad. It seems like life itself can never be a balance. But it also makes me realise how important my friends and loved ones are to me. Believe it or not, we all need friends’ support when we transition into different phases of our lives. Im glad to know who are the ones who have been with me, and not just in terms of ‘talk’ and no action. :)

So the things im lovin’ right now, is spending time with ed and the occasional lunch/brunch meetings with the 07 clique. :D

xoxo.

I wonder if mid-life crisis feels like this, or even worse…. No seriously, this life is a hellhole right now. Not talking about exact real crises, except for the fact that i’m (still) jobless and broke, but why does life seems so bleak? I know i am waiting to find a good job, a job that i will actually like doing, blah blah… I dont even want to go into details of job hunting. & its not like im diligently searching for  jobs everyday all the time because i am lazy and i hate rejection. Mostly, the rejection part.

But… you would have thought that life should be all glittery and nice for me especially since I just attended my graduation ceremony on Friday and done with school and all that stuff. Wrong. I feel like everything is wrong in my life right now, the right pieces are either put in wrongly or they aren’t even the right pieces to start with. Everything seems thrown off and confuses me… I dont feel the way im supposed to most of the time when im hanging out with others. OMG. I might possibly be on the brink of depression.

 

this part made me LOL-ed in the movie! i love arthur btw.

its all just a dream, or was it?

Im still so intrigued by the whole idea of inception. That movie is really so thought provoking and i might have to watch it a second time. Just to get over the whole idea and ‘thing’. Being able to dream and stay in the dream, creating a world that you want – u have no idea how much it appeals to me. I think im someone like Mal, obssessed with the idea of accepting the dream as reality. Freaks myself out in a way. Ha ha.

Anyway, why does leonardo dicaprio always play such roles? Slightly mentally disturbed, plagued by the thoughts of his ex wife with such intense feelings (i.e. shutter island). Creeps me out abit.